Friday, July 14, 2017

Sakinah, mawaddah, warrahmah


Apa pasal aku makin cengeng eh lately?
Even the smallest thing, i cried. Aku mula open thoughts and feelings for almost all things.

Betul ke orang cakap, orang dah kahwin ni normal bergaduh, masam muka?
Especially bila dah tua-tua.
Sebab jemu ke? Dah takda manisnya kasih sayang?

Please tell me that is normal.

But, Allah janji siapa yang berkasih-sayang kerana-Nya akan bahagia. He never fails His words.
Or maybe, they did not love each other for Allah.
I don't have the right to judge, am I?

I couldn't avoid what i felt. What left in me is just fear. Fear to build family of my own.
Those 'what ifs' games play again.

I cried because i have seen 'love' in other places but not in mine. I cried because i am afraid. I am afraid if these things be the things Allah hate most. I love them both. I want the best for both of them. I love you both too much that my heart cannot handle this heartbroken feeling.

It's hurt when you know, you learned the facts how much Redha Allah depends on Redha Husband. It's hurt even harder when you don't know where and how fix it.
You just have to consume it all in you.

I should be mature enough to handle all these things, shouldn't I?
I can take all of these before, why i cannot for now, right?
Or actually my ignorance kill these feelings before?
Or maybe i thought all these were normal till i see the other side of it in another family and i start to compare and counting other people's blessing while forgetting mine?

Did I overthink these?

Yes. You had me crying because of these things.

Just a tips i got before i cried heavily


Thursday, July 6, 2017

Living heart


The act of kindness, what melts me to the ground
The act of responsibility, touch my heart even deeper
The act of love, amaze me so much

I have learnt a lot through these days. Through other people's loss, i learnt a lot. I have seen a lot. Never not i regret for each thing i see and do with them. Through the tough moments, i have seen how Allah heal the broken pieces of her heart. I have seen how important is Allah to the human heart.

Allah does not burden a soul beyond that it can bear (2:286)
He is so true with His words. I couldn't imagine if i am at her place. I don't know.
For the love they had that i heard, for the memories she told, everything was so true as i can see through her eyes, her childrens' eyes. Allahu.

I don't know how to arrange these feelings into words.

But, i am feeling so weird. I rarely put other people be so close to my mind and heart as soon as this. It might took years for other people. But, they touch my heart in all directions.
I feel so close. I feel the pain too.

They actually bring me to Arwah Papa's memories back. The love that i felt. Not that i don't feel any love now, but i realized the emptiness i had since Papa's gone. I still remember the broken feelings i had the moment Papa passed away. It was so hurt. Though Papa was not with me all the time ever since, it hurts knowing he's gone. Knowing there will be no phone calls, no kisses, no parcel, no dua from him, no more his laughter. It hurts like hell. I can't put these in words.

To them, who loss their dad, the one who was there all the time. Taught them every single thing in the world. Hug them almost to every second.

The pain, my pain, was like 100x more than what i felt to them.

How did they cope with that?
And they just did cope with that. It is all Allah's work.
Because their dad teach them to have Allah in their heart.


Wednesday, July 5, 2017

Indeed, He listens.


When you make dua, you must be sure that Allah is going to hear and answer you. He always do. So each time i pray, i made dua a lot. Till sometimes i forgot what did i asked. 

But, these days...

I came to the realization that He actually answer me. To the tiniest demand that ever cross to my thoughts. Most of it. Inches of it. 


I was sinful towards Him, towards human sometimes. But He grant my wishes. Each time. How can i stop falling in love with Him ever? I can't and i hope that i will never be. 

Ask Me, be grateful to Me and I will give you more. 

He said.
And He never betrayed his words. 

Monday, May 22, 2017

A dream family


Two days ago, i had one of my best night in life. Well, not sure this was categorised as best or not, but it excited me to the nerve. I don't want to mention specifically what i had, but i want to write what i feel from what i saw.

A dream family.

A happy lovely family, a happy home, an excellent home have been my dream ever since. Not that i don't have it in my own home, but i want to build my own one day.


Tuesday, May 9, 2017

Profile Picture


Today, i think of something related to self-exposure. Profile pictures, or any picture of you which intendedly posted.

There are three kinds of people,

1. Post everything, good or bad.
2. Post nothing.
3. Post the goods one.
4. Post the bad one.

I wonder what factors contribute to each of these four. Is it confidence? Self-pleasure? The appreciation? Or maybe... the fame and acknowledgement?

I don't want to talk about how others see this. But to me, i belong to all of the categories depending on the mood, time and the subject.

However, above all, what stops me is always about privacy. My privacy.
That i am not comfortable to have people to stare at my photos which have me in it, though i think no one would care. But because i did to people's photos, who knows someone out there is doing the same. haha

Another thing, i don't need the whole world to know how i behave, how i act to some things, how i respond to good or bad things. Because why? I am not consistence with my thought itself. Today you see me excited on a thing which happened the same years ago and i was not that excited. This inconsistency of mine is not something i fancy of especially to let the whole world know.

Cliche but true, i am afraid to be judged. I don't care if stranger judge me, what i care is people who close to me. To have their heart scratch just because of my photos, it is nonsense. I am afraid to show too much of myself which may contribute to high expectations of people on me.

And believe me, i don't have everything wonderful to show, neither everything worst to share. I am normal being like you, and i believe the best photos, situations, happiness and everything posted are just tiny bit of the life that they choose to show.

And believe me too, you are having the same happiness in life, just that in different way which need you to look at it with different perspective.

To end this, i would say... Share what may benefit others and share to preserve the moment, but not inches of it. Save the best in your heart. Let it flow in your blood to your brain. And reflect through your action. In shaa Allah, All iz well, bebeh!


Wednesday, May 3, 2017

Indulge differences


Kind of having a thought here.
Let say... you are a teacher who loves to selfie. And so you selfie in the classroom with your students. It is not awkward at all, and when you start seeing students who selfie in the class, laboratory, streets or where ever, of course,  you find it's normal. Though it is so wrong to selfie in the lab actually but who cares.

Then there go you as another teacher who don't fancy selfie kind of act. Not your routine and so you find it awkward, weird, and not supposed to do especially in formal kind of situation like, classroom. When you see your students do it, you kind of seeing them as inappropriate and what not.

Two different views, two different situations, two different perceptions.
When issues occur, the students got blamed and punished.
Who actually in the right way of living?
First or second?

Same goes to other kind of issue. Just because we were raised by different hand with different environment, that doesn't mean the differences are wrong. Indulge the differences. Accept them and apply what goods in it.


Sunday, April 30, 2017

It's 2017


I had just read almost all posts in this blog. Too many stories that made me who i am today. Spiritually, mentally, intelectuallity, physically and emotionally me. Alhamdulillah for whoever person i have become now. More mature and more independent person.

Now already 2017. April 2017. I have graduated my degree last October. and i am now 24 years old to be (exactly on July). Too many things i didn't share here. For me to recap everything is truly impossible. I had the best years along growing into a person i am now. I can't thank Allah enough for that. Alhamdulillah.

As i read my previous posts, i see the childish thoughts and actions of me. I know i will laugh harder if i read it all over again when i become 50s. For how my physical was, comot and very urghhh. I don't know how to describe. But believe me, i don't fancy my looks before and even now. Hahaha

But most of all, now i am more to a thankful person, and i see life is always, always beyond what the eyes can see, beyond what the mind can tell. Because, Allah is the Most Knowing of everything. And He is the only One has the power of judging.

Enough with innerself-growing for now.
i will continue on it later in my upcoming posts (if the urge still there)

Next recap is about career.
I am still unemployed and studying. I am currently taking my Master of Science in my previous university, UPM. Alhamdulillah for this gift. The opportunity and financial aid, Alhamdulillah. I am certainly gonna do my best for this phase of life. I realized, i didn't push myself to the threshold i can bear during my degree. I will do it now. In shaa Allah.

As i grow, i realized that I won't stop studying. Because i love it. I love the moment knowledge is transferred from journals, youtube videos, lectures or anywhere to my brain. I wish Allah let the knowledge stays and functions along the way to help people from many angle of life. Aamiin.

Year 2017 with 24th year old self. I won't deny the urge to have someone special is there in me. It came from every angle of life i look into. My ex-coursemates, my ex-schoolmates, my best friends, my cousins, my family, and everybody are making me to think of it. And of course, who can ever run from it? (If you happen to able avoid these thoughts, kindly leave comment with some advices for me. i want to try).

And today, the spark that ignites the urge in me to read all the posts, is because someone gets married yesterday. Someone somehow stain my heart during my first year of degree life. Those.... good old days. haha

Well, actually if you have been reading my posts before, you definitely know how i would act to the boy-girl relationship. I had crush to 1-2-3 boys and thats it. Because none of them really know how much i fall for them. But this one, he kind of know and he kind of approaching me in the first place. And there goes the uneasy feels when he gets married. It's okay. Time will heal and i am sure he is going to be happy with her. In shaa Allah. And do trust me, i am super-ly okay with that, it is just that i need one day to recharged my mind.

Because, i do trust Allah's plan. So much.


Sakinah, mawaddah, warrahmah

Assalamualaikum Apa pasal aku makin cengeng eh lately? Even the smallest thing, i cried. Aku mula open thoughts and feelings for almost a...