Thursday, July 20, 2017

The 24th year of my life


16th July 2017. I was officially 24 years old. I don't want to ask myself what i achieved, but the contented feeling i felt i treasure the most. I won't trade it with any other things. Not even a good blouse and make up can make it to that feeling.

This year round, i made time to be at home on my birthday. As previously, i celebrated the date of my birthday while having raya trip with coursemates, and i was in college for the year before it. But this 2017, i was home.

We celebrated it while having some close families together for raya makan-makan.
Mama plan the day.
She had my cousins to work out the birthday surprise.

Birthday songs.
Shining eyes.

To this 24 years of living, i realized i want nothing except to be with these people again in Syurga. So that each of them have their dreams come true effortlessly. And they will be happy, i will be happy too. By people, i mean everyone including those who were not there too. Those whom i love.

For having myself breathing for 24 years, i would like to confess that i love my Mama so much. That, i don't know how anymore to prioritize any other things or person apart from her. That, i want to stay here watching her smile all my life. That i can forever love her.

Sometimes, i come to the thoughts that what if one day i married somebody and then i have to change my priority. What if, he is not that kind yang prioritize mother over anything else. And even worse, he prioritize his mom over me (that's okay) while expecting me prioritize him over my mom with no negotiation.

One of the reason i rejected to work at this age but to further study is that i want to be able to pay for her when she's incapable of working and pay. I want to feed her with all things she couldn't have before for the sake of growing us up to this point. I want to give her all happiness i can give. And if i can't make it here, i'll ask Allah to always let me give her in the hereafter (sounds poyo but, it is okay to dream high kan)

I've been thinking too far, am i? Hahaha

Oh Nad, please.


Tuesday, July 18, 2017

#01 Ayam masak gulai (Asam Pedas Ayam)


I was thinking, apart from merepek in this blog, why not i make it as a place for me to put some recipes. My achievement in cooking, the experiences & errors. Because, apart from master journey and self-improvement, i am working on my cooking skills toooooooooooo.

So here goes..

Ayam Masak Gulai (versi Mak)

Bahan Kisar:
Lada kering
Lada merah
Bawang merah
Bawang putih
Lada hitam
Kunyit hidup

Bahan lain:
Daun kesum
Air Asam

1. Blend bahan kisar. Amount? Agak-agak. Hahaha
2. Tumis bahan kisar dengan minyak yang tak banyak sangat. Sebab nanti tumisan pecah minyak, banyak sangat pulak.
3. Dah garing, masuk ayam dan daun kesum. Tutup. Kasi absorb feel bahan tumis tu.
4. Agak-agak ayam dah masak, masuk air asam. Agak-agak please.

At first, masa mintak mak resepi dekat whatsapp, mak bagi list macam tu je lah. Takda amount apa semua. So, aku pakai taram. Bawang, lada, cili, lada hitam, kunyit semua tak balance. Lepas tu masa tu aku puasa pulak, mana nak rasa. Pakai agak je. Lepas settle masak, aku suruh housemate rasa, end up dia tanya "Ni apa?". Oh kecundang real feeling masa tu. Haha Solusi masa tu, aku tambah asam jawa 1 sudu besar. Masam tak hingat. Pahit sikit pulak tu.

Lesson learnt. Air asam agak-agak. Lada hitam jangan banyak sangat. Kunyit hidup tu sikit je, suku ibu jari = 2 biji bawang merah.

Bila dah kecundang, of course aku tak mengalah. Sebab balance bahan kisar tu berlambak, aku masak lagi gulai ayam semalam. This time, lepas pecah minyak aku kasi ayam reneh lama sikit. Lepas tu air asam tu letak satu sudu je kacau dalam air. Lepas tu letak bit by bit. And wallaaaaaaaa.

Gulai ayam achieved!


Friday, July 14, 2017

Sakinah, mawaddah, warrahmah


Apa pasal aku makin cengeng eh lately?
Even the smallest thing, i cried. Aku mula open thoughts and feelings for almost all things.

Betul ke orang cakap, orang dah kahwin ni normal bergaduh, masam muka?
Especially bila dah tua-tua.
Sebab jemu ke? Dah takda manisnya kasih sayang?

Please tell me that is normal.

But, Allah janji siapa yang berkasih-sayang kerana-Nya akan bahagia. He never fails His words.
Or maybe, they did not love each other for Allah.
I don't have the right to judge, am I?

I couldn't avoid what i felt. What left in me is just fear. Fear to build family of my own.
Those 'what ifs' games play again.

I cried because i have seen 'love' in other places but not in mine. I cried because i am afraid. I am afraid if these things be the things Allah hate most. I love them both. I want the best for both of them. I love you both too much that my heart cannot handle this heartbroken feeling.

It's hurt when you know, you learned the facts how much Redha Allah depends on Redha Husband. It's hurt even harder when you don't know where and how fix it.
You just have to consume it all in you.

I should be mature enough to handle all these things, shouldn't I?
I can take all of these before, why i cannot for now, right?
Or actually my ignorance kill these feelings before?
Or maybe i thought all these were normal till i see the other side of it in another family and i start to compare and counting other people's blessing while forgetting mine?

Did I overthink these?

Yes. You had me crying because of these things.

Just a tips i got before i cried heavily


Thursday, July 6, 2017

Living heart


The act of kindness, what melts me to the ground
The act of responsibility, touch my heart even deeper
The act of love, amaze me so much

I have learnt a lot through these days. Through other people's loss, i learnt a lot. I have seen a lot. Never not i regret for each thing i see and do with them. Through the tough moments, i have seen how Allah heal the broken pieces of her heart. I have seen how important is Allah to the human heart.

Allah does not burden a soul beyond that it can bear (2:286)
He is so true with His words. I couldn't imagine if i am at her place. I don't know.
For the love they had that i heard, for the memories she told, everything was so true as i can see through her eyes, her childrens' eyes. Allahu.

I don't know how to arrange these feelings into words.

But, i am feeling so weird. I rarely put other people be so close to my mind and heart as soon as this. It might took years for other people. But, they touch my heart in all directions.
I feel so close. I feel the pain too.

They actually bring me to Arwah Papa's memories back. The love that i felt. Not that i don't feel any love now, but i realized the emptiness i had since Papa's gone. I still remember the broken feelings i had the moment Papa passed away. It was so hurt. Though Papa was not with me all the time ever since, it hurts knowing he's gone. Knowing there will be no phone calls, no kisses, no parcel, no dua from him, no more his laughter. It hurts like hell. I can't put these in words.

To them, who loss their dad, the one who was there all the time. Taught them every single thing in the world. Hug them almost to every second.

The pain, my pain, was like 100x more than what i felt to them.

How did they cope with that?
And they just did cope with that. It is all Allah's work.
Because their dad teach them to have Allah in their heart.


Wednesday, July 5, 2017

Indeed, He listens.


When you make dua, you must be sure that Allah is going to hear and answer you. He always do. So each time i pray, i made dua a lot. Till sometimes i forgot what did i asked. 

But, these days...

I came to the realization that He actually answer me. To the tiniest demand that ever cross to my thoughts. Most of it. Inches of it. 


I was sinful towards Him, towards human sometimes. But He grant my wishes. Each time. How can i stop falling in love with Him ever? I can't and i hope that i will never be. 

Ask Me, be grateful to Me and I will give you more. 

He said.
And He never betrayed his words. 

Where all things begin

. . . I still remember the moment when i wanted to decide whether to further my study or to work. I had both opportunity came at th...