Monday, August 21, 2017

Monkey love and opinion


Few days ago, i went to my supervisor's house for some makan-makan preparation. I had some deep conversation with Dr's daughter named Syuhada. We had actually, Najwa and me. She told us lots of stories including those lovey-dovey stories which she is having at school.

School days. School moments.
How much i miss those really.

Stories begin when she asked, Kak Najwa ada boyfriend?
Then leads to all the experiences  from me, Najwa, her and what-not.

What i try to emphasize here is, the way she thinks is almost equal to what i had in the old days. How much tiniest things like shirt color during raya, the caring-ness of a guy when approaching a girl, the text messaging, eye contact in class, almost everything really make me reminisced. Till, instead of i should respond nice and better to her, i came to the condition of just giving her long-minutes-of-smiling face.

I still remember each time when i met my cousins, we would spend hours talking about boyfriends. I was a great listener i guess cause sometimes they were like berebut to tell me their stories. or maybe i was just full of myself. haha But, i was very considerate before, i can be very detail in recognizing relationship's problems and provide the brighter side of each worse event in relationship. Where did all the capabilities in me disappeared to? Because now i can think nothing except how much guys are too good to be true (Zarina, 2014).

When my rationality hits me back, i ended up telling her how i felt about 'love' now, which i think, it is not a good way to catch a girl's mind especially girls at her age. I knew i wouldn't like the way i sound if i still at her age or mind. But, yeah. My thoughts slip. Words cannot be undone.

But i really hope one day she gets what i mean.

P/s: My thoughts were actually same as what i said in previous entry. And i should convey the right message to her, such as.. You can have those experiences, be with someone but make sure, he is worth it as he can lead you to a better you each day. Of course, do not rely on him too much that you can barely breathe if he leaves. Because why? This kind of love rarely lasts forever. Channel you strength, your mind AND attention to other better things/people.


Angelic Sinner


Betul Allah cakap, when you read His words,
kita dijauhkan dari dosa dan perkara yang Dia tak suka. 

Hari ni, I did something. Or I let things happened. Then I lead my life normally without realizing what I did was wrong. Until, I take my Quran and read it after Maghrib pray. 

While I was reading, all the moments flashed back. I started to realize those things were wrong. Allah tells me it is wrong right at the moment I read Quran. My heart beats even faster.

I need to do something, before things get worst. 

Actually, today I spare my time a lot while doing nothing. Chitchatting with my friends, then I let one of my non-muslim lab-mate help me to find JPA sponsorship amount on my laptop, while he was very near to me, like 3 cm away. And I said nothing. I let it be though i was not comfortable actually. That is one.

Second, I let one of my lab-mate (other guy) sit behind me, like so close. Till I can feel his hand hold the back of my chair but i wasn't lending to the chair. I didn't say anything while the barrier should be told or at least be warned. That is two.

Third, they asked me to go to IOI City Mall, accompany them. Then I decided to buy ice cream, baskin robin have this promo get 2nd item at only RM3.10. Then I bought 2 while we were three people. I let the guy share with us using another spoon. While actually, i rarely let other guy even my best guy friend to share my food. Unless he is my family. I was stupid. 

Fourth, we ate the ice cream, shared together while walking.
Can imagine how people see us? Or how actually Allah see us?

I am not that very religious, good, pious girl. I don't trust any guy, but i don't trust myself even more when i am with them. That is why i tend to create distance between  me and guy friends. I only trust one, my best friend, H. He knows what kind of distance i am putting and he never crossed ever since. But with others, i chose to just walk away if nothing necessary for me to stay.

I cannot control myself. I tend to treat people equally, physically and the way of i put my words equal. At first, i may be self-controlled. Sit with me for days or sometimes hours, you will see things differently. And so i made barriers, especially among guys.

This time, I let down all the barriers i made before. I let it down because no one beside me help me to keep it. I miss my degree-friends. I know all this while they were the ones help me to control myself. I admit, my iman is very little. Even worst. Allah provided them to take care of my behaviour. I miss you all, seriously.

Let me be among those who loves you, Allah. Or at least, can control me to remember You. Aamiin.


Thursday, August 17, 2017

Rumours i made


I spread rumors that I wanna get married after I completed my current study.

What they dont know is, that just to turn on my purpose-driven mode. 

I know I am not ready. I know I wont be financially and self ready after this ends. 

But I do believe words are doa. 

By having those thoughts, I am making myself ready. In shaa Allah.

Just my two cents:
To marry a person is not everything in the world. If Allah says yes he is for you, then okay. But if He says no, yours is not here. It is super-ly okay, Allah prepare someone better in the hereafter. What else do you need if you have Him, right?


Wednesday, August 16, 2017

Welcome, adults-to-be!


A bit of tips for those who are entering university

Get a hold to yourself. Yes, go have fun when necessary but don’t have it too much till you live in misery. Find the reasons and purposes of you being there. Let the purposes guide you. Study going to be tough. You get to taste failure at some point, but dear, avoid it as far as you can.

Education is not just about the CGPA. CGPA is important, but there’s so much things to grab while studying. The experiences and exposures are going to build the human you are growing into in the end. Choose your scopes wisely. By scopes, I mean your circle of people and your environment you spend most of your time.

At some point, ‘love’ might touch you somehow. The attractions towards different gender may be intense. Those who fail to control, may eventually fall to it. My personal tips, recognize your interest, is it because you are hormonal, your lust or it is indeed pure feeling. If you cannot differentiate, then leave and forget it. But again dear, there is no loss of not having ‘someone’ in the university. Unless, he/she able to bring out the best of you. And please do remember, university has thousands of people, among those thousands are your friends, not just your ‘someone’ is there.

Last but not least, enjoy the moment wisely. Good luck!

Tuesday, August 1, 2017

Bugs thought


Tomorrow will be 1st August as i start to write this at 11:53pm today. I am writing this while listening to someone's voice singing Aerosmith - I don't wanna miss a thing. The voice that i believed, i can live with it for a lifetime. I can be in love with it, and just it.
I think la, for now.

Something has been bothered me these few days.
It had to do with my pasts, and the future i am leading to.

I heard you married a doctor. Congratulations. You got your dreams right. I was so afraid if you couldn't move on. I was so afraid if i hide a piece of your heart somewhere when i left. But, the moment i see picture of you marrying a girl, i can feel the burden lifted. You found your girl. Your woman. Believe me if i said, i was the happiest to see that.

I know i was wrong. But, i believed the hikmah Allah put the mistakes on me.
I pray for your happiness ever since. I asked Allah to make way for you to your dream girl. And of course, you didn't found her because of my doa la. You found her because you deserve it.

But few days ago, i just knew she is a doctor. All the flashbacks come.
I didn't catch my own dream. I let it go as if i thought i am not deserving it.

I start to question myself, what am i doing to my life? This question bugs me for days. I dreamed a lot. But, i didn't work it out high enough. Therefore, dreams become only dreams. I just realized, to achieve dream, you need more of yourself to work it out.

And i start to narrowed down my dreams. And i actually start to work it out.

Maybe, i should thank you.


Where all things begin

. . . I still remember the moment when i wanted to decide whether to further my study or to work. I had both opportunity came at th...